Of Men and Ships

I read an amazing quote you might enjoy... It seems true in my life about God.

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea."
- Antoine de Saint Exupery

How often I find myself in this old place again. I gather the materials I think I need, I divide up what it will take to make it happen, then I put expectations and give myself orders. Then I put the ship in the water and it sinks....

Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.... I think I must lose sight of God at times in this process of my life, and put expectations on myself which he does not have for me. He has a ship for me. And he desires me to build it. But first he desires me to yearn for the vast and endless sea which is who he is. Sometimes I stand on the cliffs facing the vast ocean and I stare and dream. Other times I focus so much on the cliffs I become fearful and don't trust that God has a plan to get to the water. So I lose focus of the sea and it takes friends to remind me where my focus needs to be. Thanks Guys!

Of Ants and Magnifying Glasses

Change is so elusive. We live our lives day to day, many times without a reflective thought as to what we are doing. This is not that season for me. It seems like this is the season of the magnifying glass. You know what I mean. Just think ants on a hot day with a magnifying glass, no chance whatsoever. But this is also refining because this season has been drawing me towards God.

I have been chewing on this concept in reference to this season in my life:

The affections of ones's heart reveal the condition of one's life. Jesus said that the out of the overflow of his heart a man speaks and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare.

I keep finding myself here. This season has put a magnifying glass on me in which I have been questioning and understanding what exactly the affections of my heart are. Some of the overflow of my heart has been ugly - and much of the overflow has been a reassurance of who God is calling me to be.

Who Can Say It Better Than Rocky

I never thought that God would give me a heart for a kid in a gang...but he has. I never thought God would give me a heart for kids who cant seem to make one right decision but he has. I never believed that God would give me the desire to love people who have forgotten the reason why they are living but he has. I had a hard time believing that God could change a hard hearted man but it is happening in front of my eyes. I always professed that God had given me a heart for people but I never really thought it would look like this ...but it does. God is putting the people of Rocky in my path...the people, kids, and adults who have been beaten to their knees, who have experienced that the world can be an ugly, nasty place but who need to be reminded to get back up and that there is hope.
Recently at my school we have been dealing with many Gang issues and it is ugly. A few kids have been knocked off their feet while trying to do the right thing and are losing the desire to get back up...they in their weakness see the only way out as enacting violence. But who can say it better than Rocky.. "it aint about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, its about how much you can take and keep moving forward!"
You see- God is in this situation that I find myself in the middle of. I see God moving in this kid with a violent past who is trying to change. I see God in the kids who desire violence and have known nothing but violence. I see God because I now speak out of experience and not theory that God has given me a heart for people... people who are different than me, and maybe you. God's heart is for us all. I think he sees the down and out kids, the gang kids, the kids who hope for a better future and he ignites in us moments where we face a crossroads of decision...are we going to move forward or live in lie that our ability to enact violence or maintain control is even real. God is showing me how shallow my heart has been towards certain people and it knocked me down...but with God at my side I remember "it aint about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, its about how much you can take and keep moving forward!"

Dreaming

It is my goal to blog more often. It seems that the best way i process information and what is happening in my life is to talk it through. Tonight i am listening to sigur ros and writing because i find the music very inspiring and it motivates me to reflect. I thought i would blog some of my reflections with my friends because i believe sharing it with you is in a way inviting you into my walk.

This year has been challenging for me and one area in which i know that God has been working has been in my ability to follow through with what i have started. In many ways i have fallen on my face in this area, and in other ways i have been very successful. It has been a blessing to me that God has given me a great ability to dream big and hang out with friends who are like. While this whole concept of dreaming is familiar to me (since i live here quite often in my mind) it is not to many who surround me such as my students who cant seem to recognize the forest through the trees, or for some of my teacher friends whom i love but have lost the passion to be creative. What is interesting to see is how we each play our role and temper each other. My feet are learning to touch the ground. By that i mean that i am learning to follow through on some of my dreams and make them a reality. Other dreams have yet to come to fruition but the singular fact that some of them are being realized gives me hope that God is working through me and the desires he has given me. And while i continue to dream and desire, even in my failure, when things dont come to fruition, God is still using me in my weakness to encourage others to take risks and dream.

One of the Dreams that i have had which is being birthed in me is to be a great father and husband. I have even taken some drastic measures which may be misunderstood to some to make that dream a reality. I believe God is changing things in me to make this happen. I never would have guessed that by opening this door to change that it would be so difficult or challenging. Almost immediately after taking this first step i have been challenged and am now in the process of facing one of the barriers that must be overcome in order to move forward. How amazing that in my frustration and depression I also have great joy because i know that in this challenge God is working in me and shaping me to look the way he desires me to look. It is different for each of us the way God moves and desires us individually to look while at the same time it is very similar. God desires this specific change in me to nudge me gently closer to his image and in doing so is granting me the desire of my heart. What it took was for me to initially began to recognize what i needed to lay down that i thought i needed to control or be a part of to allow him to move. He desires this in each of use...how amazing that God knows each of us so intimately that he knows just what chord to strike to nudge us in his direction in his perfect patience and timing. I am truly blessed.

David is perhaps my favorite person in the Bible because i like the way he interacted with God. David was in no means perfect obviously (hello Bathsheba) but he was called a man after God's own heart. I imagine David as a young man watching his fathers sheep laying on his back at night looking at the stars and wondering what God had for him and this life. Was sheep herding all there was for him? Or was there something more? God in his perfect timing began to speak to David and through David, with his special nudge God began to expose to David the true character within him. A lion, a Bear... moments where David faced a crossroads of decision that birthed in him great terror and total determination to be faithful to his position and job. God was showing David he was a leader. As David grew he continued to look at the stars and wonder. Time passed, as did many events but David still walked with God...Grounded by the many starlight discussions and questions only he and God knew about. He struggled, fought, made mistakes, had anger towards God, he even questioned God and asked him where he was in his time of need, and he continually fell on his face while making mistakes and having great triumphs. I love David because David was a man unafraid to ask questions, to struggle, to make mistakes and dream with God about the possibilities under the stars. I desire that kind of reality, at times i have had it, I want more.

Noah Michael Hayes

You never realize when momentus life changes are about to take place. I have to admit when Toby was born and when Noah was born I did not have an intense emotional response. I did not cry, or even feel that feeling of excitedness which in some ways made me wonder if something was emotionally disfunctional with me (lol). What I love about my Boys is this...Love Comes Softly. That is a title of a corny movie that my wife made me watch but it is nontheless appropriate for my boys. The initial reaction was not of intense emotion or even connection. Don't get me wrong, I was happy and all that, but it was not the emotional reaction that I expected or had heard about.
What I love about this is that it is true to who I am. Nothing really happens quickly with me, and when it comes to matters of the heart I am usually slow to come around and not sure when I did come around. The point is that now that Noah is at home and Toby is running around the house, the emototional response that I initially expected happens almost every day. I love my family and everyday come home and experience the newness of my family in a way that reminds me of the first time experiencing something amazing.

Life is Beautiful

As a class we have been studying World History and specifically the Holocaust. Obviously this is an important event, 6 million Jews were killed by Hitler and his Nazi regime, but I really wanted my students to have more than a numerical understanding of what took place.
First of all to teach a sensitive subject such as the Holocaust it is important to remember to include all the factual information, but it is also important for the students to make a personal connection to the event to truly take steps towards removing the kind of racism and discrimination that led to the death of so many. I could go on and on about how to try and attempt this but the key is that there must be some level of self reflection in which you the student or person can place yourself in the shoes of someone living through the Holocaust to really fully (to the best of your ability) understand the scope of this terrible event.
This culminated in my showing of the movie Life is Beautiful. If you have not yet rented this movie, go now and get it......I mean it, right now, STOP READING THIS AND GET OFF YOUR REAR AND RENT IT...
Well if you are still here you must have gone and rented the movie and are preparing to watch it (It is Better subtitled - but that is just my preference). The Point of this whole bloggin story is that I watched this movie a few years ago and it impacted me, but today as I watched it with my students I realized that there are many things that are different than they were the first time I watched it. Today I am married, a father, a husband, and this has changed my life. I hadn't thought about this for a while but my life is so different... and when I watched this movie I realized how much.
This man lives to protect the innocence of his child, to love his wife with all his heart despite the physical boundaries of a concentration camp, and in the middle of all this mess protects the beauty of Life for his son who is not aware of what is going on around him.
May I become a Man like this Man.

School

School!!! This is what I do. I am a teacher, and I am taught. I am an educator and I get educated. Nothing is as it seems, and when it is, beware because that just means your in for a surprise! Not to be understood as negative, I absolutely love what I am doing right now. It is everything that I never knew I always wanted and more. And not just at school, life has this sneaky way of teaching lessons you I didn't see coming. I think that is because life is like Chuck Norris.... You see Chuck doesn't sleep...He waits!! And similarly Life does not sleep or rest, it patiently waits and just when your not thinking anything is happening with life...Whack! It sneaks up and roundhouse kicks you in the butt just to prove that patience wins out in the end. Sneaky Life! It just gets me everytime.

Erase The Dark

Erase the Dark was great! It was really cool to walk in and see all the hard work of so many people come together in one room. The paintings and photography were so creative. Total props to Jeremy Coverdale and his photo's (I overheard people raving about the train pic). It was really cool to see so many people mingling and getting to know each other. Sean Gafner's food army were incredible, although I missed the "tortuga", was that rolling around on a plate somewhere? Maybe it was just that I got caught up in the moment during the Man in the Water movie.