A week ago today I shared part of my testimony at my church the Stirring. It was much more emotional, vulnerable, and raw than I expected, but it was good. I'm still reeling from feeling that vulnerable and out there in front of everyone. I fearfully snuck into church today through the side entrance hoping to ease into the place I call my church. Being vulnerable can leave you wondering what people will think of you or how they will treat you now that blood is in the water. But the truth is I have been met with nothing but kindness. A few people have looked at me awkwardly like I might spontaneously combust before their eyes, or worse that I might make them cry. I promise I will do neither one intentionally. Scouts honor. Although, I've never been a boy scout so you will just have to trust me.
On another note with everything I have been processing I have had a weird sense that I am ok. Its ok for me to not be ok. I am still able to love and pastor others and I have not lost my mind. I am the same person but im also a little bit of an ogre. I'm like shrek because im like an onion, I have layers. Each layer is a little deeper than the previous and with each layer that the Father heals and takes me deeper I trust him more. I'm ok because he peeled back a layer of me in front many of you, but he was the one who did it so I am safe. I trust him and I am ok.
Here are some of the insights I've been coming to in this season of healing for me:
I have deep wells of hurt but he has deeper wells of compassion and joy and he wants to fill those places where I have been wounded with His Spirit as opposed to letting me sit in my hurt. (which I by the way didn't know existed until recently)
Unprocessed hurts and wounds become strongholds for the enemy. There it is. You can run, you can hide, but He loves us too much to let us sit in toxic places without inviting us to trust him to lead us out. Plain and simple our destiny is wrapped in our healing and trusting the goodness of the Father. We can do all kinds of great things for him and those are good. But, I think there is a level of trust that I am coming to experience that is coming because I am learning to let him love me and actually receive it. He really does love me.
When he is loving me, he is the one in control and I get to choose whether or not to receive it or reject it.
Anyhow, I have other thoughts but that's enough for now. Some will not understand, some will be inspired, some will judge, some will react in fear. Others will lean in, ask questions, seek further, and look into their own hearts. None of these are areas of control for me. I just get to be obedient and say yes. I trust He will do what He needs to do in you.
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