People will risk change when the environment that they are in becomes safe for them to fail. When environments become safe to screw up and then pick yourself up and start fresh again people will improve and change for the better.
In other areas we recognize this to be true and don't bat an eye about the truth of the previous statement because we inherently know that in order to get better we must push ourselves past where we are, causing us to fail, but in failing also learn.
Sports are a great example of this concept. If you are going to excel in a sport you practice by being pushed to failure. Each day your failure happens at a further point than the day before, and this is what we call progress. At first you make baby steps and what should look like a graceful athletic event looks strangely chaotic and awkard. Nothing like what you see the professionals doing on T.V. But over time as you stick with it and push yourself towards failure, each day challenging yourself to do one more repetition or take one more step, you progress.
What is weird is that what is so clear to us as progress in sports, we define as unacceptable in areas of personal and spiritual growth and maturity. Instead of recognizing that failure is an integral part of maturing and becoming more graceful and effortless in areas of personal and spiritual growth we have made it taboo. Beyond taboo, we have made it highly improbable that any one in their right mind would come to the church or for that matter most adults to share their personal moral failure. They sense our unspoken expectation that failure is not an option and that it will carry with it guilt, shame, and punitive action. Our inability to see these failures as an opportunity to shape our young men and women disables us from being a coach, guide, or mentor before they ever cross our doorstep.
It seems clear to me that if you are reading this, you care. You want to help, or maybe you want to get help. Either way what we can clearly see is that in order for people to risk change they must have others who they are moving towards that stand on the other side of chasm that they are trying to cross. People want to move towards others they can identify with, others who not only know theoretically what to do, but who also have been there themselves and have lived to tell the tell. When we as pastors, parents, or friends position ourselves as morally or spirtually above the mess we disarm ourselves from having a voice in the conversation that will define the direction of an individual.
Essentially the truth is this, that if we cannot recognize our own failures and brokeness we will not have a voice with the ones we seek to help. If we seek to impose punitive damage first and deal with this issue as a behaviour only we will miss the heart of the individual and lose our voice.
People can smell a hypocrite from a mile away. A hypocrite is not someone who makes mistakes. What makes us hypocrites is that we won't admit our own mistakes and in our own brokeness invite the Holy Spirit to come and deal with our own hearts. In our lack of humilty we forget to ask the Holy Spirit to begin to turn our hearts of stone into hearts of flesh and we begin to lean into our own understanding. We seek to fix and in fixing forget that we also are in need of healing. Perhaps our area of brokeness has not come in the form of a pornographic addiction, however, wheather or not the issue is pornagraphy or pride every sin leads back to a spiritual condition of the heart. These are the places which we must go in order for their to be healing and lasting change and we cannot effectively go there without the power of the Holy Spirit.
In the Greek, the word for the Holy Spirit is the word "Paraclete" and is defined as "the one who hears our cries." If we are to really help people who are dealing with pornography we must recognize that this battle is beyond physical habits and behaviour. It is cleary as much a spiritual battle as it is a physical or habitual cycle we must break. This is ultimately why, if we truly seek to help people in this area, we must leave the safe towers where we have been living. We must risk stepping out of the places where our own stuggles and past have been hidden, neatly tucked away in the grout of our towers and begin to ourselves cry out to God and ask him to fill our lives, and change our own hearts first. It is then and only then that we will be ready to lead someone out.
If this is interesting to you will you please give me some feed back so that I can get better as a writer or so that I can answer any questions you have...I plan on posting sections of what I am writing as I go, so feedback is welcome. Grammatical errors are to be expected so feedback on content is preferred.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
PORN - now you will read this because you are curious
I've been thinking quite a bit lately about writing a book. If feels presumptuous at this point in my life to think that I have something of meaning to say to others, but then again, I know that God has been using my story to help others along the way and there seems to be some clarity of direction for what I would like to write.
A huge part of my coming to God story has been directly tied my struggle with pornography. I would not be a pastor or at the church that I am at today if this area of my life had not spun wildly out of control at a point in my life when I had no where to turn but to the church which was the last place I wanted to go because of my wounds from the church in the past. (I am sure that was a run on but give me a break...I'm new to this whole writing process thing.) This was the first time I met my pastor and good friend Nathan Edwardson on a personal basis. When we met I came in feeling like the elephant in the room wasn't in the corner of the room, it was sitting on my chest, and the wind was knocked out of me. The feelings of guilt, shame, and anger were nearly overwhelming. I had dreading coming to this meeting and anticipated that this man was going to harpoon me for my sin. That was all I had known from the church. You didn't talk about your struggles becasue it was not safe. Plain and simple. If you talked about your struggles, your hurts and hang ups you were put onto the "prayer chain" where everyone then knew about your crap and then kept the women and children away from you because you were dirty or now untrustworthy.
What I found in this man sitting across the table from me caught me off guard and set me on the path back towards God. It is unclear now, years later if this was a conscious effort by Nathan to be really understanding and loving or if God was just totally speaking to me through him at the moment. Probably both. Either way, for the first time in my young life I felt I had actually exposed an area of my life that was out of control to a man who was a few years older than I and I experienced embrace instead of judgement. This changed my life. Maybe this had happened before this point in my life but if it did happen I can't remember when. I am pretty sure I did not have a complete thought until I was like 27 so it very well could have happened before that, but I just wasn't aware of it. The point is that it happened and that I was aware of it.
If I ever actually complete this book, which I intend to do. My desire is to see men become who they are called to be. The topic of pornography and lust is an area that has been taboo to talk about for most christians and has been kept on the periphery of acceptable talk for as long as I can remember. It has been like the "don't ask, don't tell" issue of the church. We all know the problem is epidemic but it seems that most of us are completely unprepared and unable to talk about it. I think this is because as Parents, Pastors, and Youth Workers we have never had this conversation modeled for us. Where do we even start when a young person or even a man come to us to risk sharing that they are addicted to pornography. We have no idea. We have never actually had this taboo conversation ourselves and so we do what everyone does when we don't know what to do....we allow fear and reactive behavior to take over. In our fear of this evil sin we drop into the punitive mindset that we will ground this behaviour out of you. Meanwhile we miss the heart.
I have more but this is a bit of an intro. If this is interesting to you will you please give me some feed back so that I can get better as a writer or so that I can answer any questions you have...I plan on posting sections of what I am writing as I go, so feedback is welcome.
A huge part of my coming to God story has been directly tied my struggle with pornography. I would not be a pastor or at the church that I am at today if this area of my life had not spun wildly out of control at a point in my life when I had no where to turn but to the church which was the last place I wanted to go because of my wounds from the church in the past. (I am sure that was a run on but give me a break...I'm new to this whole writing process thing.) This was the first time I met my pastor and good friend Nathan Edwardson on a personal basis. When we met I came in feeling like the elephant in the room wasn't in the corner of the room, it was sitting on my chest, and the wind was knocked out of me. The feelings of guilt, shame, and anger were nearly overwhelming. I had dreading coming to this meeting and anticipated that this man was going to harpoon me for my sin. That was all I had known from the church. You didn't talk about your struggles becasue it was not safe. Plain and simple. If you talked about your struggles, your hurts and hang ups you were put onto the "prayer chain" where everyone then knew about your crap and then kept the women and children away from you because you were dirty or now untrustworthy.
What I found in this man sitting across the table from me caught me off guard and set me on the path back towards God. It is unclear now, years later if this was a conscious effort by Nathan to be really understanding and loving or if God was just totally speaking to me through him at the moment. Probably both. Either way, for the first time in my young life I felt I had actually exposed an area of my life that was out of control to a man who was a few years older than I and I experienced embrace instead of judgement. This changed my life. Maybe this had happened before this point in my life but if it did happen I can't remember when. I am pretty sure I did not have a complete thought until I was like 27 so it very well could have happened before that, but I just wasn't aware of it. The point is that it happened and that I was aware of it.
If I ever actually complete this book, which I intend to do. My desire is to see men become who they are called to be. The topic of pornography and lust is an area that has been taboo to talk about for most christians and has been kept on the periphery of acceptable talk for as long as I can remember. It has been like the "don't ask, don't tell" issue of the church. We all know the problem is epidemic but it seems that most of us are completely unprepared and unable to talk about it. I think this is because as Parents, Pastors, and Youth Workers we have never had this conversation modeled for us. Where do we even start when a young person or even a man come to us to risk sharing that they are addicted to pornography. We have no idea. We have never actually had this taboo conversation ourselves and so we do what everyone does when we don't know what to do....we allow fear and reactive behavior to take over. In our fear of this evil sin we drop into the punitive mindset that we will ground this behaviour out of you. Meanwhile we miss the heart.
I have more but this is a bit of an intro. If this is interesting to you will you please give me some feed back so that I can get better as a writer or so that I can answer any questions you have...I plan on posting sections of what I am writing as I go, so feedback is welcome.
Friday, September 16, 2011
30 Mins Left to Blog Before You Die
I have 30 minutes left to blog before I die. Well not actually...I have 30 minutes left until I have to go shopping which is equal to death in many ways for me.
So the question is...If you only had 30 minutes left to blog or leave a message to the world what would you say to others. It is a personal challenge to myself and whoever is reading this. Sit down and set a timer for 30 minutes and when it stops, you stop, mid sentence, mid word. Then post it here in a comment or email me or show no one. I'm just curious to see what you might have to say.
Here I go....
Life is not about climbing ladders or subjugation of others. There is an internal posture in life you can take in which you can have conflict and love, peace and poverty, joy and sorrow all at the same time.
I am sure there are other things but the point is that our lives are lived in tension where we have to choice to fill in what is exposed by the traffic of life with embrace encouragement and seeing the best in others or we can fill in what is exposed by the traffic of life with judgement, contempt, bitterness, and anger. The choice is before us every day. What will you fill in the gap with?
Start your day in quiet contemplation. Don't rush to the first thing of the day. There must be some sacred time that no one else can impede on between you and God. Watch how he changes your perspective, attitude, and emotions when you start your day with Him. Watch as he will open your eyes to what he is doing around you and the opportunities he is giving you to create and speak truth and beauty into people and the world.
Seek the Holy Spirit. The HS is the one who hears our cries. It is out of our brokenness that we experience the love and grace of God. But you must cry out to him to be filled with him. This reminds me of my friend Eric who says that God is a gentleman, he won't force himself upon you. You must ask for him.
Conflict is not your enemy. Don't run from it. Don't be shamed by it. When it happens ask what it is exposing in you deep down. Address that. Ask God what is happening in the conflict that he wants to expose. Ask the one who hears our cries to come and meet you in the conflict and to bring peace that passes all understanding with him. No great story is told without great conflict.
Depth doesn't in life doesn't come from what you do...
It comes from who you have spent time with. We see this in Jesus life that he spent his life living from a place with God to people. Not the other way around.
Sometimes having to be RIGHT is the WRONG thing. It is always interesting to see people who have positional power over another person, who in every way could crush the other person based on their office or position and who continually do so. I always walking away thinking that, that person is actually very weak. Strength is knowing you have the ability to crush someone, and not doing it because you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Even if you are cussing me out, threatening my family, you have no power over me. You may even kill me, so be it, I know where I am going. If I am not threatened by you I don't have to defend myself from you. I am free to love you while you kill me. I may be RIGHT and you may be WRONG, but what is right for me is to Love you in your wrongness while not having to assert my rightness. Hopefully you get the idea, I only have 1 min 30 seconds left.
Love is the most disarming quality you can have that destroys walls and offenses. If you seek to Love another before having to be right you will have won them over. If you seek to be right first and love second you will have missed your opportunity to have loved.
Time is up. Your turn.
So the question is...If you only had 30 minutes left to blog or leave a message to the world what would you say to others. It is a personal challenge to myself and whoever is reading this. Sit down and set a timer for 30 minutes and when it stops, you stop, mid sentence, mid word. Then post it here in a comment or email me or show no one. I'm just curious to see what you might have to say.
Here I go....
Life is not about climbing ladders or subjugation of others. There is an internal posture in life you can take in which you can have conflict and love, peace and poverty, joy and sorrow all at the same time.
I am sure there are other things but the point is that our lives are lived in tension where we have to choice to fill in what is exposed by the traffic of life with embrace encouragement and seeing the best in others or we can fill in what is exposed by the traffic of life with judgement, contempt, bitterness, and anger. The choice is before us every day. What will you fill in the gap with?
Start your day in quiet contemplation. Don't rush to the first thing of the day. There must be some sacred time that no one else can impede on between you and God. Watch how he changes your perspective, attitude, and emotions when you start your day with Him. Watch as he will open your eyes to what he is doing around you and the opportunities he is giving you to create and speak truth and beauty into people and the world.
Seek the Holy Spirit. The HS is the one who hears our cries. It is out of our brokenness that we experience the love and grace of God. But you must cry out to him to be filled with him. This reminds me of my friend Eric who says that God is a gentleman, he won't force himself upon you. You must ask for him.
Conflict is not your enemy. Don't run from it. Don't be shamed by it. When it happens ask what it is exposing in you deep down. Address that. Ask God what is happening in the conflict that he wants to expose. Ask the one who hears our cries to come and meet you in the conflict and to bring peace that passes all understanding with him. No great story is told without great conflict.
Depth doesn't in life doesn't come from what you do...
It comes from who you have spent time with. We see this in Jesus life that he spent his life living from a place with God to people. Not the other way around.
Sometimes having to be RIGHT is the WRONG thing. It is always interesting to see people who have positional power over another person, who in every way could crush the other person based on their office or position and who continually do so. I always walking away thinking that, that person is actually very weak. Strength is knowing you have the ability to crush someone, and not doing it because you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Even if you are cussing me out, threatening my family, you have no power over me. You may even kill me, so be it, I know where I am going. If I am not threatened by you I don't have to defend myself from you. I am free to love you while you kill me. I may be RIGHT and you may be WRONG, but what is right for me is to Love you in your wrongness while not having to assert my rightness. Hopefully you get the idea, I only have 1 min 30 seconds left.
Love is the most disarming quality you can have that destroys walls and offenses. If you seek to Love another before having to be right you will have won them over. If you seek to be right first and love second you will have missed your opportunity to have loved.
Time is up. Your turn.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Feel Better
In this busy season of life it is funny how God can get our attention and speak to us through our children.
During the middle of running all over the place trying to get things done I raced home so that some friends could pick up an old freezer I was giving away. We came flying into the driveway and practically jumped out of the Expedition before the vehicle had stopped. This particular week had been one of the busiest of the month and I had a student staying with my family who had been pulled out of an abusive home situation with me as my friends showed up to get the freezer out of our storage room.
During the melee of moving the freezer and watching my two boys and this student I took my eyes off Noah who was running in the driveway laughing and playing tag with Toby. Everything seemed fine and we began to move the freezer out. A moment later Noah screamed out in pain and the long draw of breath before the next sound let me know that this was going to be a good one.
Noah had fallen and deeply scraped his left knee. We quickly set the freezer down and headed out to Noah to tend to his wounds. I picked him up and took him into the house and got the necessary first aid items together and bandaged his knee. As he was crying I felt awful for him, you never enjoy seeing your child hurting. I pulled him in close and hugged him and kissed him continually and told him he was going to be OK. Noah seemed to not hear the words that I was saying and kept saying through his tears, "Make it feel better." I didn't know what to do so I just kept hugging him and trying to console him but he continued to say, "No, make it feel better." So finally I asked him, "Noah, what do you want me to do?" Noah replied, "Ask Jesus to make it feel better."
To be honest, his response caught me off guard. I am a pastor. I work hard to get others to be connected to God and to include him in every area of their lives. But, in this moment it didn't even occur to me to ask Jesus to make it feel better. So with Noah in my arms and the student standing near us I began to pray. Noah closed his eyes tightly, his head moving back and forth slightly with pursed lips. He was intensely praying with me for his knee. As intense as any adult I have ever seen pray.
It was a simple and short prayer. I remembered what my friend Dan had said at a recent staff meeting at work that our Faith is grown when we pray for healing and then take the next step to ask and see if God healed it. So I asked Noah if it felt better. Noah stood up and gently walked a few steps and said that it did feel a little better. The student who was staying with us got a gleam in his eye and emphatically said, "Jesus did that!"
I had no idea what was happening at that moment. The whole situation had taken me off guard. Here Noah had been hurt, inconsolable, and he lead me to pray. The student had been watching the whole thing and recognized it was Jesus. Meanwhile, I was nearly speechless.
A few days later our Stirring baptism was taking place and I still had not taken off Noah's original bandage. At this point I expected to see a huge scab, or at the very least an open scrape. When I took off the bandage there was nothing there at all. Not a scab, nothing. It was like it never happened.
In the Greek, (the language the New Testament was written in) God and Jesus promise to send us the "Paraclete". The word "Paracleta" means "the one who answers our cry." How often I forget that it is not until I cry out and seek Jesus that my own wounds, pain, and brokenness can be healed. Unless that cry surges up from the consciousness of our true reality and need for the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit will not come.
During the middle of running all over the place trying to get things done I raced home so that some friends could pick up an old freezer I was giving away. We came flying into the driveway and practically jumped out of the Expedition before the vehicle had stopped. This particular week had been one of the busiest of the month and I had a student staying with my family who had been pulled out of an abusive home situation with me as my friends showed up to get the freezer out of our storage room.
During the melee of moving the freezer and watching my two boys and this student I took my eyes off Noah who was running in the driveway laughing and playing tag with Toby. Everything seemed fine and we began to move the freezer out. A moment later Noah screamed out in pain and the long draw of breath before the next sound let me know that this was going to be a good one.
Noah had fallen and deeply scraped his left knee. We quickly set the freezer down and headed out to Noah to tend to his wounds. I picked him up and took him into the house and got the necessary first aid items together and bandaged his knee. As he was crying I felt awful for him, you never enjoy seeing your child hurting. I pulled him in close and hugged him and kissed him continually and told him he was going to be OK. Noah seemed to not hear the words that I was saying and kept saying through his tears, "Make it feel better." I didn't know what to do so I just kept hugging him and trying to console him but he continued to say, "No, make it feel better." So finally I asked him, "Noah, what do you want me to do?" Noah replied, "Ask Jesus to make it feel better."
To be honest, his response caught me off guard. I am a pastor. I work hard to get others to be connected to God and to include him in every area of their lives. But, in this moment it didn't even occur to me to ask Jesus to make it feel better. So with Noah in my arms and the student standing near us I began to pray. Noah closed his eyes tightly, his head moving back and forth slightly with pursed lips. He was intensely praying with me for his knee. As intense as any adult I have ever seen pray.
It was a simple and short prayer. I remembered what my friend Dan had said at a recent staff meeting at work that our Faith is grown when we pray for healing and then take the next step to ask and see if God healed it. So I asked Noah if it felt better. Noah stood up and gently walked a few steps and said that it did feel a little better. The student who was staying with us got a gleam in his eye and emphatically said, "Jesus did that!"
I had no idea what was happening at that moment. The whole situation had taken me off guard. Here Noah had been hurt, inconsolable, and he lead me to pray. The student had been watching the whole thing and recognized it was Jesus. Meanwhile, I was nearly speechless.
A few days later our Stirring baptism was taking place and I still had not taken off Noah's original bandage. At this point I expected to see a huge scab, or at the very least an open scrape. When I took off the bandage there was nothing there at all. Not a scab, nothing. It was like it never happened.
In the Greek, (the language the New Testament was written in) God and Jesus promise to send us the "Paraclete". The word "Paracleta" means "the one who answers our cry." How often I forget that it is not until I cry out and seek Jesus that my own wounds, pain, and brokenness can be healed. Unless that cry surges up from the consciousness of our true reality and need for the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit will not come.
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