My Life

Care About What Matters

2011-10-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

I was just about to sit down to do something that I really need to do, homework. But, part of the homework/writing process for me is procrastination. Today as I was driving from coffee shop to coffee shop looking for an open table to work at I turned on the radio and began to listen to some good old fashioned talk radio. I listened to NPR for a few minutes than shifted to Rush Limbaugh, then to Sean Hannity. Typically I listen until I get bored with what is being said or until I think what the people are saying is stupid. More often than not it is that I get bored. I am not a politically minded person so if you are and you happen to be one of my four followers and are offended please don't be. I just personally don't care that much about politics.

What bugs me the most is that we (we is a generalization based on radio personalities who are talking to a lot of people) seem to care about stuff that doesn't really matter. To be honest I don't care about some senator who owns a ranch that had a rock on it that had the "N" word painted on it in 1983. Its not that I want to be dismissive of politics or people who care about them, its just that almost every time I began to listen to commentators either liberal or conservative I get frustrated because I rarely hear them talking about things that matter. Instead we argue about rocks and really stupid things people did in the middle of nowhere two years after I was born.

How weird that we can spend an incredible amount of money, emotional effort, and energy in all kinds of directions and completely miss the heart of life. How different would our world be if we began to actually care about things that matter. I would like to stop arguing about rocks so that I can feel better about myself and I would like to start to talking about the condition of peoples hearts.

This was the most difficult thing for me as a teacher. I was being paid to give students an education in the area of history, which really does matter. However, what I noticed while working with students who had been kicked out of many other schools was that while history was important it was not as important as what was happening in their hearts. Who they were becoming was of higher importance than the history assignment I was supposed to be giving. A popular quote among teachers goes like this:

"Kids don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

People can argue about rocks all day. I want to talk about our hearts.

You Smell Like a Hypocrite: Book idea pt.2

2011-09-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

People will risk change when the environment that they are in becomes safe for them to fail. When environments become safe to screw up and then pick yourself up and start fresh again people will improve and change for the better.

In other areas we recognize this to be true and don't bat an eye about the truth of the previous statement because we inherently know that in order to get better we must push ourselves past where we are, causing us to fail, but in failing also learn.

Sports are a great example of this concept. If you are going to excel in a sport you practice by being pushed to failure. Each day your failure happens at a further point than the day before, and this is what we call progress. At first you make baby steps and what should look like a graceful athletic event looks strangely chaotic and awkard. Nothing like what you see the professionals doing on T.V. But over time as you stick with it and push yourself towards failure, each day challenging yourself to do one more repetition or take one more step, you progress.

What is weird is that what is so clear to us as progress in sports, we define as unacceptable in areas of personal and spiritual growth and maturity. Instead of recognizing that failure is an integral part of maturing and becoming more graceful and effortless in areas of personal and spiritual growth we have made it taboo. Beyond taboo, we have made it highly improbable that any one in their right mind would come to the church or for that matter most adults to share their personal moral failure. They sense our unspoken expectation that failure is not an option and that it will carry with it guilt, shame, and punitive action. Our inability to see these failures as an opportunity to shape our young men and women disables us from being a coach, guide, or mentor before they ever cross our doorstep.

It seems clear to me that if you are reading this, you care. You want to help, or maybe you want to get help. Either way what we can clearly see is that in order for people to risk change they must have others who they are moving towards that stand on the other side of chasm that they are trying to cross. People want to move towards others they can identify with, others who not only know theoretically what to do, but who also have been there themselves and have lived to tell the tell. When we as pastors, parents, or friends position ourselves as morally or spirtually above the mess we disarm ourselves from having a voice in the conversation that will define the direction of an individual.

Essentially the truth is this, that if we cannot recognize our own failures and brokeness we will not have a voice with the ones we seek to help. If we seek to impose punitive damage first and deal with this issue as a behaviour only we will miss the heart of the individual and lose our voice.

People can smell a hypocrite from a mile away. A hypocrite is not someone who makes mistakes. What makes us hypocrites is that we won't admit our own mistakes and in our own brokeness invite the Holy Spirit to come and deal with our own hearts. In our lack of humilty we forget to ask the Holy Spirit to begin to turn our hearts of stone into hearts of flesh and we begin to lean into our own understanding. We seek to fix and in fixing forget that we also are in need of healing. Perhaps our area of brokeness has not come in the form of a pornographic addiction, however, wheather or not the issue is pornagraphy or pride every sin leads back to a spiritual condition of the heart. These are the places which we must go in order for their to be healing and lasting change and we cannot effectively go there without the power of the Holy Spirit.

In the Greek, the word for the Holy Spirit is the word "Paraclete" and is defined as "the one who hears our cries." If we are to really help people who are dealing with pornography we must recognize that this battle is beyond physical habits and behaviour. It is cleary as much a spiritual battle as it is a physical or habitual cycle we must break. This is ultimately why, if we truly seek to help people in this area, we must leave the safe towers where we have been living. We must risk stepping out of the places where our own stuggles and past have been hidden, neatly tucked away in the grout of our towers and begin to ourselves cry out to God and ask him to fill our lives, and change our own hearts first. It is then and only then that we will be ready to lead someone out.

If this is interesting to you will you please give me some feed back so that I can get better as a writer or so that I can answer any questions you have...I plan on posting sections of what I am writing as I go, so feedback is welcome. Grammatical errors are to be expected so feedback on content is preferred.

PORN - now you will read this because you are curious

2011-09-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about writing a book. If feels presumptuous at this point in my life to think that I have something of meaning to say to others, but then again, I know that God has been using my story to help others along the way and there seems to be some clarity of direction for what I would like to write.

A huge part of my coming to God story has been directly tied my struggle with pornography. I would not be a pastor or at the church that I am at today if this area of my life had not spun wildly out of control at a point in my life when I had no where to turn but to the church which was the last place I wanted to go because of my wounds from the church in the past. (I am sure that was a run on but give me a break...I'm new to this whole writing process thing.) This was the first time I met my pastor and good friend Nathan Edwardson on a personal basis. When we met I came in feeling like the elephant in the room wasn't in the corner of the room, it was sitting on my chest, and the wind was knocked out of me. The feelings of guilt, shame, and anger were nearly overwhelming. I had dreading coming to this meeting and anticipated that this man was going to harpoon me for my sin. That was all I had known from the church. You didn't talk about your struggles becasue it was not safe. Plain and simple. If you talked about your struggles, your hurts and hang ups you were put onto the "prayer chain" where everyone then knew about your crap and then kept the women and children away from you because you were dirty or now untrustworthy.

What I found in this man sitting across the table from me caught me off guard and set me on the path back towards God. It is unclear now, years later if this was a conscious effort by Nathan to be really understanding and loving or if God was just totally speaking to me through him at the moment. Probably both. Either way, for the first time in my young life I felt I had actually exposed an area of my life that was out of control to a man who was a few years older than I and I experienced embrace instead of judgement. This changed my life. Maybe this had happened before this point in my life but if it did happen I can't remember when. I am pretty sure I did not have a complete thought until I was like 27 so it very well could have happened before that, but I just wasn't aware of it. The point is that it happened and that I was aware of it.

If I ever actually complete this book, which I intend to do. My desire is to see men become who they are called to be. The topic of pornography and lust is an area that has been taboo to talk about for most christians and has been kept on the periphery of acceptable talk for as long as I can remember. It has been like the "don't ask, don't tell" issue of the church. We all know the problem is epidemic but it seems that most of us are completely unprepared and unable to talk about it. I think this is because as Parents, Pastors, and Youth Workers we have never had this conversation modeled for us. Where do we even start when a young person or even a man come to us to risk sharing that they are addicted to pornography. We have no idea. We have never actually had this taboo conversation ourselves and so we do what everyone does when we don't know what to do....we allow fear and reactive behavior to take over. In our fear of this evil sin we drop into the punitive mindset that we will ground this behaviour out of you. Meanwhile we miss the heart.

I have more but this is a bit of an intro. If this is interesting to you will you please give me some feed back so that I can get better as a writer or so that I can answer any questions you have...I plan on posting sections of what I am writing as I go, so feedback is welcome.

30 Mins Left to Blog Before You Die

2011-09-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have 30 minutes left to blog before I die. Well not actually...I have 30 minutes left until I have to go shopping which is equal to death in many ways for me.

So the question is...If you only had 30 minutes left to blog or leave a message to the world what would you say to others. It is a personal challenge to myself and whoever is reading this. Sit down and set a timer for 30 minutes and when it stops, you stop, mid sentence, mid word. Then post it here in a comment or email me or show no one. I'm just curious to see what you might have to say.

Here I go....

Life is not about climbing ladders or subjugation of others. There is an internal posture in life you can take in which you can have conflict and love, peace and poverty, joy and sorrow all at the same time.
I am sure there are other things but the point is that our lives are lived in tension where we have to choice to fill in what is exposed by the traffic of life with embrace encouragement and seeing the best in others or we can fill in what is exposed by the traffic of life with judgement, contempt, bitterness, and anger. The choice is before us every day. What will you fill in the gap with?

Start your day in quiet contemplation. Don't rush to the first thing of the day. There must be some sacred time that no one else can impede on between you and God. Watch how he changes your perspective, attitude, and emotions when you start your day with Him. Watch as he will open your eyes to what he is doing around you and the opportunities he is giving you to create and speak truth and beauty into people and the world.

Seek the Holy Spirit. The HS is the one who hears our cries. It is out of our brokenness that we experience the love and grace of God. But you must cry out to him to be filled with him. This reminds me of my friend Eric who says that God is a gentleman, he won't force himself upon you. You must ask for him.

Conflict is not your enemy. Don't run from it. Don't be shamed by it. When it happens ask what it is exposing in you deep down. Address that. Ask God what is happening in the conflict that he wants to expose. Ask the one who hears our cries to come and meet you in the conflict and to bring peace that passes all understanding with him. No great story is told without great conflict.

Depth doesn't in life doesn't come from what you do...
It comes from who you have spent time with. We see this in Jesus life that he spent his life living from a place with God to people. Not the other way around.

Sometimes having to be RIGHT is the WRONG thing. It is always interesting to see people who have positional power over another person, who in every way could crush the other person based on their office or position and who continually do so. I always walking away thinking that, that person is actually very weak. Strength is knowing you have the ability to crush someone, and not doing it because you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Even if you are cussing me out, threatening my family, you have no power over me. You may even kill me, so be it, I know where I am going. If I am not threatened by you I don't have to defend myself from you. I am free to love you while you kill me. I may be RIGHT and you may be WRONG, but what is right for me is to Love you in your wrongness while not having to assert my rightness. Hopefully you get the idea, I only have 1 min 30 seconds left.

Love is the most disarming quality you can have that destroys walls and offenses. If you seek to Love another before having to be right you will have won them over. If you seek to be right first and love second you will have missed your opportunity to have loved.

Time is up. Your turn.

Feel Better

2011-09-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

In this busy season of life it is funny how God can get our attention and speak to us through our children.

During the middle of running all over the place trying to get things done I raced home so that some friends could pick up an old freezer I was giving away. We came flying into the driveway and practically jumped out of the Expedition before the vehicle had stopped. This particular week had been one of the busiest of the month and I had a student staying with my family who had been pulled out of an abusive home situation with me as my friends showed up to get the freezer out of our storage room.

During the melee of moving the freezer and watching my two boys and this student I took my eyes off Noah who was running in the driveway laughing and playing tag with Toby. Everything seemed fine and we began to move the freezer out. A moment later Noah screamed out in pain and the long draw of breath before the next sound let me know that this was going to be a good one.

Noah had fallen and deeply scraped his left knee. We quickly set the freezer down and headed out to Noah to tend to his wounds. I picked him up and took him into the house and got the necessary first aid items together and bandaged his knee. As he was crying I felt awful for him, you never enjoy seeing your child hurting. I pulled him in close and hugged him and kissed him continually and told him he was going to be OK. Noah seemed to not hear the words that I was saying and kept saying through his tears, "Make it feel better." I didn't know what to do so I just kept hugging him and trying to console him but he continued to say, "No, make it feel better." So finally I asked him, "Noah, what do you want me to do?" Noah replied, "Ask Jesus to make it feel better."

To be honest, his response caught me off guard. I am a pastor. I work hard to get others to be connected to God and to include him in every area of their lives. But, in this moment it didn't even occur to me to ask Jesus to make it feel better. So with Noah in my arms and the student standing near us I began to pray. Noah closed his eyes tightly, his head moving back and forth slightly with pursed lips. He was intensely praying with me for his knee. As intense as any adult I have ever seen pray.

It was a simple and short prayer. I remembered what my friend Dan had said at a recent staff meeting at work that our Faith is grown when we pray for healing and then take the next step to ask and see if God healed it. So I asked Noah if it felt better. Noah stood up and gently walked a few steps and said that it did feel a little better. The student who was staying with us got a gleam in his eye and emphatically said, "Jesus did that!"

I had no idea what was happening at that moment. The whole situation had taken me off guard. Here Noah had been hurt, inconsolable, and he lead me to pray. The student had been watching the whole thing and recognized it was Jesus. Meanwhile, I was nearly speechless.

A few days later our Stirring baptism was taking place and I still had not taken off Noah's original bandage. At this point I expected to see a huge scab, or at the very least an open scrape. When I took off the bandage there was nothing there at all. Not a scab, nothing. It was like it never happened.

In the Greek, (the language the New Testament was written in) God and Jesus promise to send us the "Paraclete". The word "Paracleta" means "the one who answers our cry." How often I forget that it is not until I cry out and seek Jesus that my own wounds, pain, and brokenness can be healed. Unless that cry surges up from the consciousness of our true reality and need for the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit will not come.

true story

2011-07-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

He Never breaks his stare. He sits facing forward nothing moves his gaze other than when someone walks up from behind him through the door. Even then, it is only a slight glance over his shoulder. It's 110 degrees outside the Starbucks and he wears a beanie covering his bald head. His weathered wind worn face and down turned lips match his tan exhausted aviator glasses. He doesn't walk he saunters slowly to the counter to fill his stainless steel coffee cup. He wouldn't be caught dead holding a starbuck's cup in his hand but he was content with dark and strong liquid in his steel cup. If I had not seen him go to the counter I would have assumed it was whiskey. He is clearly over 60 but his shoulders are square and strong, still a formidable force in a fight. Looking at him from behind you would think he was 30 and fresh out of prison, stuck in a cell with nothing to do but push ups. His muscles were not enhanced with steroids, he just had the look of a strong man, every movement is slow and seems calculated. This man looks like a killer.

After a few minutes of awkwardly sitting near this man, trying to look un-weak a middle aged father with his socially awkward kids come walking in. The father looks like a typical nerd. He has an awkward mustache reminiscent of Tom Sellick during the 80's and wears the matching short shorts with a Hawaiin print shirt and big square reading glasses. You can't fault him for this look, no one apparently told him the 80's ended over 20 years ago. But either way you can tell that he is a good provider for his family and well meaning, just completely disconnected from that fact that it is 2011 and that much upper leg being shown on a man in a Hawaiin print shirt is no longer in vogue. The boys 16 or 17 with curly red hair and curly brown hair walk in trailing dad awkwardly through the nearly empty store. Halfway through dad tells them to wait there and they both comply. As the dad walks up the counter, striding forward in all his Magnum PI glory his sons stand awkwardly in the very spot he told them to stand. They are unsure of where to place there hands. In the pockets or out of their pockets, at their side or behind their back. One of the boys points to a cup and mumbles something to the brown haired one who looks at the cup but doesn't move his head so as not to be noticed. There are over 20 chairs available but they sit in none of them because their dad did not tell them they could.

The man just sits, his gaze unchanged as if the annoyingly unmanly youth stand directly in front of him don't exist. I'm not even a biker and I felt compelled to somehow harm them just because it looked so easy. But the biker just looked annoyed, he lives in a world of people whom he rather slap around than speak to. But, there were just too many of us who deserved to have our asses kicked so instead of kicking all of our asses he just slowly stood up and went outside to smoke. He lit the cigarette and set his elbow on the table. He took one slow draw on the cigarette, his hand barely moving at all as it came towards his mouth. The smoke slowly billowed out of his mouth moving as slow and calculated as the man himself.

As I sat and watched him from my leather seat in the corner of Starbucks Pandora played a Ray Lamontagne's song "Lesson Learned" that was reminiscent of an old tragically romantic western song. I envisioned this biker as a young man, happy but tough, losing a love, and becoming the hardened man that sat before me today. I wondered what it would be like to be this old, weathered and angry man who sat before me today. What happened to him that made him who he was today. After he finished his cigarette he came back inside to finish his coffee. He sat near me and I contemplated starting a conversation with him. Just to see what would happen. After a few moments, I gained the necessary courage and asked him if he rode his bike in this kind of weather often. The question was awful but I didn't know where to start. He sat motionless for a good 10 seconds that felt like an eternity then his eyes slowly looked in my direction while his head remained motionless. When his eyes acknowledged my question I realized I should not have spoken. His glance confirmed he would kill me if I spoke again and so I remained silent as he slowly stood and sauntered out the front door to his Harley.

Lesson Learned

Overcoming Fear

2011-03-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

Recently I realized that Fear was playing a major role in my life. I found myself not being able to sleep, waking up at night feeling desperate and stressed out.

Have you ever felt this way?

I don't like to admit it, but, fear makes me feel weak. And who wants to feel weak? Not me, that's for sure! Yet, many times I feel trapped by fear, and therefore trapped by feelings of failure and weakness. When I feel this way, I find myself wanting to retreat away from others towards some familiar place where there is no risk.

But where there is no risk, there is also little gain. And so not risking is not an option because more than I fear weakness, I fear not risking.

His Name is Will

2011-02-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

Today I found myself at Starbucks to take some time to study and pray. I sat in the corner listening to Pandora and enjoying my morning coffee. The cold gray wind whipped through the door as I sat in the corner leather chair, my feet were cold.

A man walked in, he had kind, sad eyes and asked if he could sit in the leather chair next to me. He did not make eye contact with me, and he asked for nothing. I noticed that his hands were shaking and his pants were filthy. I realized, this man is homeless. He is just trying to warm up. So I took out my headphones and asked him his name and if I could buy him a cup of coffee. He looked surprised but said yes. I walked away from all my stuff and purposefully did not look back to see if he was going to run away with my computer and everything in my backpack.

His name is Will and he thanked me. We talked for a few minutes about his life and why he chooses to stay homeless. I was curious, so I think I was asking questions with sincerity, not judgement, and he answered the questions openly. I think he knew I just wanted him to feel warm so he opened up more and told me why he chose not to stay at the mission, even though he was sleeping out in the elements, it snowed all day yesterday.

I had been sitting there for a while and needed to use the restroom. Will had left to go back outside to try and get some money by holding a sign. "Can you help? God Bless" is what his sign read. As I was about to get up, Will came back in. He smiled at me and sat back down in the leather chair. I had placed a gift card in my journal to hold my place and set my journal on my Bible. Again, I left all of my things next to the chair trusting that my things would be safe.

As I came back out from the restroom everything seemed to be in place. Will sat quietly, staring out the window and my journal and Bible sat quietly as well awaiting my return. As I opened my journal I noticed that my gift card was gone. Will stood up and walked out the door. My heart began to sink. I chose to trust this man who had nothing, thinking that because I had shown him kindness, he would not take anything of mine. Slowly I began to check my pockets. Each pocket empty. Will came back in and sat down. In my mind, I began to prepare to ask him if I could have my card back. It is not that I needed the card. It bothered me more that he would take something from me after I had been kind to him.

Will sat there cold and shivering. I looked at him, a small smile of resignation to the cold came onto his face. I leaned forward, as a matter of principle to confront, Will. As I leaned forward, I placed my left hand under my left thigh. I felt the card beneath my leg as I was about to speak.

I think Will just wanted to stay warm. He had done nothing to me. I had convicted him in my heart. Will sat there cold and shivering. I gave him the card, it didn't mean anything to me anymore.

Pushing Past the Wall

2011-02-15T07:52:00.001-08:00

If you met me in the 90's it would have been easy to describe me. Most people would have said, "Aaron plays basketball". Yes, there were other ways people described me as well, but, most people knew me in the context of being in the gym or going to the gym. This was my life as well as the life of all of my closest friends. Basketball is what shaped me, pushed me, and showed me that I could overcome what seemed impossible.

Recently while talking with a friend over coffee I began to see this time of my life in a new light. It was during this time of my life that much of how you would describe Aaron was being shaped. It was during this time of my life that I learned what it meant to push through "the wall". In the context of sports, athletes understand what it means to push through the wall. The wall is the barrier. It is that part of your subconscious that is shouting at your body that you cannot take another step, if you do you will probably die. You can't make it up that hill, you cannot run another wind sprint, you can't handle this.

While thinking about this I remembered what my coach used to say to us while we were thinking we were going to die. Calmly, Coach would as we ran by say, "your not going to die, just breathe." Those words reverberated in our heads as we would pass by. It became a mantra as we would run up and down stairs, back and forth across the court, and as we would leave everything on the floor night after night, game after game. We broke down the wall each time we stepped onto the floor. We pushed ourselves as hard as we could every practice, and with each time we pushed ourselves the wall became smaller and smaller. What seemed impossible the day before became possible today.

The wall was not physical, the wall lived in our minds. The wall wanted to stop us from achieving what we were capable of, and destined for. Blinding us with the desire to quit or walk away because the work was too hard or made us feel too uncomfortable. But, it was through the hard work of not giving up, of continuing to show up for the battle, the run, the game, that the wall became the teacher. I read a quote recently by Richard Rohr, a Franciscan Priest, that stated,

"when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive."

The question is weather or not we are aware of the teacher and which form the teacher has taken to teach us what we need to know. Pain was our teacher, and as Rhor so beautifully put it,

" we dare not get rid of the pain before we have learned what it has to teach us."

In our fear of the pain we place the blame for our hurt on others (coach/parents/spouses ect.), and miss out on what it is teaching us and the opportunity it is giving us to learn something about life on a deep level.

This reminds me of what the Apostle Paul said in Hebrews 12:1,

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us."

During this season of life I remember Coach pointing out that in our school (kindergarten-12th grade) everyone was watching what we were doing. Everyone was seeing us hit the wall, and how we would chose to deal with that moment of pain. Would we give up and stand there in frustration or run back and make up for it on defense? Would we make the extra pass or keep the ball in our hands so that we could be the hero. Would we give our best effort every moment we were on the floor or would we crumble and give up in the heat of the moment, relegating ourselves to failure?

A friend pointed out recently that watching a person compete on the athletic field gives great insight and exposes what is happening in your heart. During a game or a practice I never wanted to be seen as a person who was going to give up or throw in the towel. This made sense to me on the court, I had a sense of pride about pushing into the pain even more whenever I felt like giving up. When you see someone do that in a game it makes sense. Some of my favorite memories of playing were when I wanted to give up, when it hurt to bad and I would ask for a sub and Coach would look me in the eyes and tell me no, keep playing. To this day this scenario is by far what gives me the most joy to see in a game. An individual pushing through the mental wall, hoping for the easy way out, for someone else to take their place, but in that moment, in a physical expression of what is happening inside having to push through.

RAW - Real / Authentic / With God

2011-02-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

Life is meant to be lived in community and we need to get RAW. I was laughing tonight at the stirring as Nate said to the 6 pm gathering that we need to get RAW in our life groups. I am such a teacher I immediately begin to think of alliterations for the word RAW and here is my best shot:

R- real
A- authentic
W- with God

Totally true Nate...let's get RAW this week in our life groups and in our secret life with Jesus.

Noah and the Coyotes

2011-01-03T00:25:00.001-08:00

This is a recent interview with Noah about his Coyote friends. This has been an unfolding drama over the past few weeks which has garnered much attention in our home as the Coyotes have been calling to Noah and as he has been dealing with the challenges of facing the "call of the wild" on his young life. Recently before this interview we had a few cats in heat taking advantage of the eaves of our house under our bedroom window during a rainstorm. Needless to say it was loud and woke up the boys in the middle of the night. Noah and Toby came into our room and Noah stood up in our bed and said, "my coyotes are calling for me." We didn't get into any details about what the "coyotes" were actually doing at that moment (he may be a little too young at this point) but you catch the drift.

Shepards?

2010-12-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ok...I have totally hit a wall this week in preparing for Sunday. I have been reading and searching through Luke 2 trying to find an angle on the story of the Birth of Jesus that captures the imagination and is creative and blah blah. Feeling a bit frustrated as I know there is a lot there to land on and at the same time not feeling like God has really put anything epic on my heart to share yet.

Yesterday I heard that the Shepards were probably not 20 something guys with nothing better to do than to hang out with sheep but rather they were probably more like 12-14 year olds and their Dad made them do this like a chore or something. Then last night at 9:45 when I was still driving some of the kids home from Jesus Party I started to have an epiphany. A little annoyed with the conversations happening in the car I started to listen a little closer to the 6 12-14 year old boys in my car ramble on and on about the most random things. He did this, she said that, he never saw it coming, ect. Then I made the connection that angels showed up to these clowns. I imagined these kids in a field watching sheep and shooting the bull with each other. Oh, crap! I think I just got my inspiration for what was happening.

Rambling Self Conversations That Are Going Somewhere

2010-12-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

Our brains never stop working for very long before the endless streams of thoughts begin to flow in: how do i look, how am i perceived by others, what do i believe, what matters, why should i care, is he or she looking at me, did they notice how hard i tried, do people think i am too intense, is she mad at me, blah, blah, blah, ect.

Our thoughts, the stream of self conversations seem endless.

But what is most essential? I mean I have no clue where i am going with this other than to say that i realize that most of my life is filled with this self talk that begins to shape the way i live my life, how i lead others and what I am saying with the story of my life.

I believe we will live our life out of the overflow of these endless self conversations. It is out of these self conversations from which we will give others advice and direction, and make decisions for our life. So it makes sense that these conversations which are taking place are being shaped in a direction in which we actually want to go.

My Genius Son

2010-12-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

Toby blew me away tonight. Sarah was out so I was running solo. They boys were hyper but doing good. I turned my back on them and they ran out of the room happily laughing, but I was getting tired. So I came out and yelled, "Toby-Noah, get back in your room right now or your gonna get a spankin!" The boys continued to run wild around the table and in a moment of weakness as they both were smiling at me I relented from the spanking and grabbed them both by their legs and carried them upside down to their room. They giggled with delight. When we got back to the room I put Noah in his bed then Toby in his. When in his bed Toby looked at me in the eyes with great respect and began to reason with me. He said, "Dad, you didn't need to raise your voice at us. We were just playing and weren't trying to make you mad, ok?" I was kneeling next to his bed completely dumbfounded at how clearly he was communicating to me with not just his words but the seriousness and respect he showed non-verbally as well. Eye Contact, inflection in his words, and it was like he was speaking from his heart to me. What the heck. My kids blow me away.

A New Season

2010-05-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am entering into a new season in my life. There is a lot of change. A lot of things coming my way which are out of my control and some that are. What I do know is that the coming season is wild and new, uncharted waters for me and others with whom I will join. Our story is fresh, full of fear of the unknown, and in some ways familiar. Familiar in the sense that the unknown is always where trail blazers live life. I have joined a group of people who live to break the trail, to live life in the unknown, to test their courage, instincts, and put their passions to the test.

So bring on the unknown because the only way to learn is to confront your fears, to walk towards the unknown and know that the greatness of the conflict only makes the story better.

Sharing a Scene in My Life

2010-05-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

I have been recently reading Don Millers book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it has been deeply impacting me. He talks about how the elements that make a story good are the same elements that make a good story of our lives.

I have been enjoying the book so much I started teaching through it to all of my classes at Pioneer. I figured I had nothing to lose with 6 weeks left of my teaching career at this point in my life. I have been trying to inspire the kids with the book and it has been awesome.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about a stirring thing I was organizing and Sarah came in and offered her opinion about the issue. I shot her down saying that the idea wouldn't work and implied that it was stupid. Sarah didn't say anything and left the room. I didn't even realize I had dealt with her so harshly and continued in my conversation with my friend sitting at the dinner table. I wasn't even really aware that she was offended.

Later that night after the boys were in bed Sarah came in and sat down on the opposite side of the couch from me and it was obvious something was wrong, she was upset, and I started to get offended. "What are you all worked up about?" I said in a frustrated voice. She stated that I had hurt her feelings and made her feel stupid. Then it happened.

Just like in a movie or in a story I had a flashback. I realized I was in a scene in the story of my life, and that I had a choice to make. In my flashback I saw my life in rewind. Everyday I get up at 6 and then meet someone at 630, then we talk about meaningful crap until 8, then I try to inspire kids at school until 205, then I come home kiss Sarah on the cheek and proceed to wrestle with the boys, change diapers, read them a book, then put them to bed. After that Sarah I fast forward through American Idol to see who got kicked off and then we go to bed with very few words of meaning being exchanged. Then we repeat the process every day for a couple of weeks in a row. Now we are sitting on the couch and I have a decision to make.

I could be that middle class guy in that movie who instead of treating his wife with respect and and asking for forgiveness gets offended and tells her she is being too sensitive and that her ideas were a bad, and that she didn't even know what was going on....Or....I could write that scene into my story where I realize I had been a jerk and the woman who I love the most in the world was wounded because of my carelessness. You know that scene where the guy realizes he was tired and careless with someone who he cares about. That scene where he realizes for the last two weeks the most meaningful conversation that has taken place has been about American Idol, and that he is being an idiot, and that he should ask for forgiveness and kiss the girl and make things right? You remember that scene? The one where the girls acts like she is still upset and hurt but just really wants him to take her into his arms and take care of her.

I lived that scene because I realized that when I write good scenes into my life my story gets better. And I want to live a good story where the guy gets the girl and she loves him because he respects her and is not to stubborn to admit that he made a mistake and that she is so important in his life.

Jesus in the Washer

2010-01-17T20:50:00.000-08:00

Another Toby story for all of you who heard the last one... I.E. me. Blogs Ive decided are good for remembering things.

Toby was trying to climb into the dryer the other day and was caught by Sarah. She shouted, "Toby STOP! You don't climb in the dryer! You could get hurt and die and then we wouldn't get to see you for a long time. You would be in heaven with Jesus!" At this point the waterworks begin as Toby runs to Sarah for a hug.

The next morning as we are getting ready for church I round up Toby and Noah and we are eating breakfast at the table. Toby is chatting non-stop while Noah and I eat in silence content to focus on our food and listen to Toby tell stories. While we are eating Toby begins in on a story about Jesus and Noah talking so I asked him the question, "Toby, have you been talking to Jesus?" Toby's face gets very serious as he says emphatically, "No Daddy, me not be talking to Jesus. Me be see-in Jesus." Without smiling or laughing I replied, "You see Jesus? Where?" I looked all around the room. Toby replied, "Me go climb in the washer and me be see-in Jesus."

Miley's Baby

2010-01-11T15:11:00.000-08:00

Toby finally asked the big question...

"Momma, you habin a baby?"

"No, not right now Toby. Maybe Later," Sarah said.

"Daddy habin baby?"

"No Toby, Daddys dont have babies, only Mommies do."

"Ok," Toby replied. "Where babies be comin from."

"Well," sarah replied. "Daddy puts a special seed in Mommys tummy and then a baby grows and mommy has the baby." "Ok," Toby says.

As a family we really try to limit the amount of TV the boys watch and especially the content. That being said Sarah had rented the Hannah Montana movie and Toby was allowed to watch the movie. During the climax of the movie Sarah asked Toby to put something away and paused the film. When Toby returned to see the movie paused, he stood and stared at the TV screen with the picture of Hannah Montana and turned to Sarah and said, "Mommy. Me want to be a seed in her tummy."

Sarah holding back her laughter said, "Toby, do you want to be Hannah Montana's baby?" "Yah," he replied. "Me wanna be a baby in her tummy."

Crazy Week

2010-01-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

This has been such a crazy week for everyone I have talked to. Friends hurting with personal and medical drama, students hurting from personal drama, what a week. By the end of today I had contacted CPS and attended a last minute funeral for a student who's child died at birth. But in all this chaos God is still Good.

God is still Good.

Let the Journey Begin

2010-01-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

God dreams bigger and greater than we can comprehend. So let this journey begin. I have been dreaming about some things that God has been putting into motion outside any of my own efforts or abilities. So begins the journey and I am not in the lead position. God is leading the way, opening the doors, preparing the hearts, and conquering the city...we just get to go with him on the trip and watch what he is doing and do what he wants done.

Change

2009-12-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

There are two kinds of change in my mind that make sense.

Temporary and Permanent.

Temporary change is the result of external forces. For example, if you are apprehended by the police and they place you in an arm bar you are temporarily forced to change. Once the officer releases that pressure you will return to what it is you were doing or possibly even attack the officer depending on how belligerent you are. The reason for this outside of injustice or self defense is that external forces can only create temporary change becasue they cannot by themselves do for you what only you can do for yourself which is change your heart and mind about how you think and feel about the situation in which you find yourself. This changing of your heart and mind has been called many things over history such as enlightenment, self actualization, but really it is what an old book i read once refers to as repentence.

We can look to others for the answers for why we dont change. We can blame others, our environment, authority figures, and make a myriad of other excuses, but, in the end the only one who can initiate change for you is you. People can become catalysts and provide opportunities for change to occur but only you can walk through the door. Only you can repent for you.

Culturally we have made this word repentence something negative, something to be feared, and humiliated by. After all, you must be a sinner if you have to repent and as we all know Christians dont sin so we have nothing to worry about. For the outsider looking in it is obvious why we could never join becasue we could never reach the standards that Christians seem to. Our conception of Repentence is so negative and skewed that we must somehow elevate ourselves above the word just so that we dont have to live under the shadow of guilt.

But what if this concept I call change and old books called repentence was the doorway to the kind of life we are all seeking? What if a life full of repentence was sononomous with a life of great significance? What if repentence were not viewed as negative but rather as an essential to inward growth as well as visible outward growth.

"Some often repent, yet never reform; they resemble a man traveling in a dangerous path, who frequently starts and stops, but never looks back."
- Bonnell Thornton

More to come....just thinking

My life group friends!

2009-02-18T21:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight I found out that you guys actually read this thing so I thought I would drop you a line.

You guys are awesome! Every night when Sarah and I drive home we talk about how amazing life group was. It is such an encouragement to be able to talk about and share life with all of you.

God is continuing to confront me with the fact that I really have very little control over others and really that the only thing I have control over is my free will to either submit to God and his will or to attempt to do it on my own, out of my own strength. However, it is such a relief to know that I dont have to carry that weight anymore because God wants to carry it.

He even reminds us how we are to posture ourselves in relationship to the burdens we try to carry in our own strength in Matthew 11:28-30.........

...Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Come take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light.

To me the key word is MY...that is possesive language referring to the one who is saying it...MY refers to God not me. How cool that we can give up our burden and allow him to take it. What is really cool is that our tendency to take offense is a part of this burden he wants to take. It reminds me of how the guy in the video described God standing with his hands behind is back just waiting for us to allow him to defend us. But instead we so often try to defend ourselves against offenses and that disables God from carrying what only he is able to carry.

Life group is not enough, lets keep talking about this stuff. Shoot Sarah and I an email or give us a call. You guys are awsome!

Trees and Roots and spiritual Vagabonds..What the Heck

2009-02-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

Life group tonight was so awsome! Our lifegroup has been going through a series called the Bait of Satan which is basically a teaching series about the bait of satan. Or to be more clear about the role that taking offense can play by stopping us from living up to our God calling by causing us to be unable to forgive, repent, ect.

Long story short, the guy who is speaking in this series began to talk about trees and gave an amazing picture to think about.

Psalm 92:13 those who are planted in the house of the lord shall flourish in the courts of our God.

John Bevere - The Bait of Satan

What happens to a fruit tree if you are a planter and you uproot it every couple of months? The root system begins to dwarf and eventually it stops producing fruit. And eventually if you keep transplanting it, it dies. Do you know what trees use to send their roots down? Trees will use adverse weather to send their roots deeper. Adversity causes trees roots to go deeper. But if the farmer were to listen to the tree, if the tree could speak, the tree would say..."Get me out of here! I hate this!" And if the farmer transplanted it, guess what, it would rob the tree of the opportunity to send its roots deeper. Why, because in the drought that tree has to go deeper to find water. I have a friend who lives in an area of the country which went through a severe drought. And all of a sudden their toilets all stopped working. So they called the Roter Rooter man out and the Roter Rooter man said, "Yep, just what I expected. A root from the tree sensed the moisture from inside the PVC pipe and went right through it to get the moisture." What caused that tree to have that kind of tenacity? The adversity! So what happens is people start running from church to church to church, because the first time you leave out of an offense its gonna be easier the next time to leave out of offense. Why? Because your root system is dwarfed.

Psalm 1:2 Blessed is the man...who's delight is the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates both day and night.

Psalm 119:165 Great peace have they which love the law; and nothing shall offend them.

Nothing shall offend them! Now watch becasue Psalm 1:3 goes on to say...He shall be like a tree planted by rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in season.

Who is he? He, is who delights in the law, who loves the law of the Lord. Nothing shall offend him. So what is he saying with these two verses? He is saying that one who delights in the law of the Lord is one who is rooted, and grounded. His roots go down deep and even in adversity he will produce fruit.

And do you know what I found amazing, do you know what I found out? In Florida the juice of oranges doesnt get sweet until you have the cold. Till you have adverse weather, then the juice becomes sweet. If we allow the adversity, if we allow the Holy Spirit to work through adversity when it comes, we would become sweeter like the fruit. Now listen becasue this now makes sense. Listen to what Jesus says in Mark 4:16-17 ...And these are they likewise which are sown on stoney ground; who when they have heard the word immediately recieve it with gladness..So were not talking about a sinner here. Sinners do not recieve the word with gladness. Were talking about people on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, people who go "Wow, pastor that is good!" Right? Now watch this...Mark 4:16 ..who immediately recieve the word with gladness...vs 17..And have no roots in themselves, and so endure for a time: afterward, when affliction or persecution comes for the words sake they are immediately OFFENDED. Why are they offended? They have not allowed their roots to go down. You want to find shallow trees? Just send in a hurricane through Florida and you will find allow the shallow trees, their gone, their uprooted. But you want to find the strong trees...I remember when i was in Florida I went by this cypress tree that was around when Moses was around. They had a sign on their that said how old it was. It was a 4,000 year old cypress tree. Let me tell you many hurricanes have gone through there but that tree is still there. They didnt do a thing to him. Why? Becasue he is rooted.

Now, listen, when you leave out of an offense, pay attention becasue this is going to explain some things you have seen in others behavior. So were not talking about you this morning are we? All right you ready? When you leave out of an offense your root system dwarfs, so the next time you leave out of an offense its easier, and then the next time its easier again, and then the next time again. Whether its a marraige or a church, or what ever it is it gets easier to leave again, and easier to leave again. Are you seeing this? You see, if you dont deal with the offense, your roots system gets dwarfed. And you know what eventually happens...You become a spiritual vagabond. You know what a vagabond is...a wanderer. You wander from ministry to ministry, from church to church.

Now there is another guy who is a vagabond and his name is Cain. Now I find an amazing thing here. The problem is when ever we think of Cain and Abel we always think of the outcome and how much of a wicked sinner this guy Cain was. No, no, no, no, read carefully, these are two sons of Adam and Eve and both of them are diligently working to bring an offering to God. I got news for you..people out there in the bars are not working diligently to bring offerings to the Lord this morning. We are talking about two guys who are diligently working to bring offering to the Lord. In fact if you really think about it Cain is working harder. Abel is a shepard and works in the morning and in the evening but during the hottest part of the day he is sitting under a tree sipping on a cool one. Meanwhile farming is harder and Cain is working in the hot sun all day. Farming you have to operate through the whole day. So Cain is working harder, yet when Cain brings his offering the Bible says that God rejects Cain and his offering.

Summarizing Now because it is no longer an hour in which it honoring to God the be awake...

Now Adam and Eve were ignorant, Cain and Abel wernt. God specifically showed them what he desired in an offering. Cain and Abel had learned from their Mom and Dad what was acceptable as an offering to God and what was obedience. So when Cain offered his fruit of the ground it represents a disobedient offering, he is serving God his own way. And so when God rejects him, God says to him that he does not respect Cain and his offering and Cain was.................

ECT I gotta Stop..its too late...call me for the details.. it was awsome...i got the dvd..........sorry to leave you hanging......who am i kidding.........i am the only one who ever looks at this blog............Aaron go to bed!!!!!! Am i typing to myself...........where am I????????????Good night.

Update

2009-02-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

Howdy to all my friends...It has been forever since I have blogged anything so I though I might just give an update. God has been so good. The last two years have been pretty crazy...school, school, school. I pretty much eat drink and sleep school. Either teaching or learning it has been all about school. I feel like my brain has basically been pickled and put in a jar that says school on it.

Our life group this round has been amazing and God has been totally challenging me in so many ways. Since school has a grip on my time let me give you an update. Simply put...there is nothing I can do. This is the greatest conclusion I have come to this year because now that I know for a fact that I am powerless to truly and deeply change others I have been able to allow God to do what he does so well.

Dont get me wrong I am not saying I dont play a role...what I am saying is that I am understanding in a greater way what my role truly is. God has placed within me a desire to serve others and has put me in a place where I can join him in a way that is so fulfilling that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is giving me my hearts desire, and that he is using me to show others his love.

My good friend is always saying that we must come to empty or brokeness in order for God to completely fill us. What a process! Oh yeah, God refining you isnt always fun. I seemed to have forgot that. What is amazing is that while this process of refining is so challenging and well...not fun..I can totally see God working in me, bringing me to empty so that I can see what he is doing and that it is not about me.

Continually this month there have been such crazy happenings at school and in my life that have been overwhelming and which have no clear answer that I can define. At first I felt frustrated, stumped, I wanted to solve the problem, give the perfect advice, help this person or that person change, be the hero, save the day. In the end I have found out that there is nothing in my human wisdom or any other persons human wisdom that could solve some of the issues which have been placed in front of me. There is only one answer in order for there to be change...GOD YOU MUST MOVE, YOU MUST ACT, YOU MUST INCREASE AND I MUST DECREASE.

I have heard so many times people state the standard Christian jargon. People reciting advice they have heard pastors speak, or something they have read in a book. It seems to me that these magic words are meaningless until God opens your eyes to the depth of their meaning. He can use all kinds of circumstances, people, conversations, adversity, ect... the important thing seems to be how we react to these circumstances.. are we looking to see what God is opening our eyes to or are we hardening our hearts to the Holy Spirit's nudging. Are we trying to meet the expectations of men or are we with a humble spirit realizing that we are powerless until God moves on our hearts and opens our minds to his truth.

I want to seek truth. I seek change that is permanent not temporary. I want God's heart for the lost, and the wisdom to know how I can join him in what he is doing in my life and the people who he has placed around me. I want to seek God for God not God for man's approval. I want to move into maturity which anchors me through lifes storms. I want sincerity in my relationships. I want forgiveness in my heart. I want God.

Of Men and Ships

2008-09-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

I read an amazing quote you might enjoy... It seems true in my life about God.

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea."
- Antoine de Saint Exupery

How often I find myself in this old place again. I gather the materials I think I need, I divide up what it will take to make it happen, then I put expectations and give myself orders. Then I put the ship in the water and it sinks....

Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.... I think I must lose sight of God at times in this process of my life, and put expectations on myself which he does not have for me. He has a ship for me. And he desires me to build it. But first he desires me to yearn for the vast and endless sea which is who he is. Sometimes I stand on the cliffs facing the vast ocean and I stare and dream. Other times I focus so much on the cliffs I become fearful and don't trust that God has a plan to get to the water. So I lose focus of the sea and it takes friends to remind me where my focus needs to be. Thanks Guys!

Of Ants and Magnifying Glasses

2008-09-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

Change is so elusive. We live our lives day to day, many times without a reflective thought as to what we are doing. This is not that season for me. It seems like this is the season of the magnifying glass. You know what I mean. Just think ants on a hot day with a magnifying glass, no chance whatsoever. But this is also refining because this season has been drawing me towards God.

I have been chewing on this concept in reference to this season in my life:

The affections of ones's heart reveal the condition of one's life. Jesus said that the out of the overflow of his heart a man speaks and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare.

I keep finding myself here. This season has put a magnifying glass on me in which I have been questioning and understanding what exactly the affections of my heart are. Some of the overflow of my heart has been ugly - and much of the overflow has been a reassurance of who God is calling me to be.

Who Can Say It Better Than Rocky

2008-09-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

I never thought that God would give me a heart for a kid in a gang...but he has. I never thought God would give me a heart for kids who cant seem to make one right decision but he has. I never believed that God would give me the desire to love people who have forgotten the reason why they are living but he has. I had a hard time believing that God could change a hard hearted man but it is happening in front of my eyes. I always professed that God had given me a heart for people but I never really thought it would look like this ...but it does. God is putting the people of Rocky in my path...the people, kids, and adults who have been beaten to their knees, who have experienced that the world can be an ugly, nasty place but who need to be reminded to get back up and that there is hope.
Recently at my school we have been dealing with many Gang issues and it is ugly. A few kids have been knocked off their feet while trying to do the right thing and are losing the desire to get back up...they in their weakness see the only way out as enacting violence. But who can say it better than Rocky.. "it aint about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, its about how much you can take and keep moving forward!"
You see- God is in this situation that I find myself in the middle of. I see God moving in this kid with a violent past who is trying to change. I see God in the kids who desire violence and have known nothing but violence. I see God because I now speak out of experience and not theory that God has given me a heart for people... people who are different than me, and maybe you. God's heart is for us all. I think he sees the down and out kids, the gang kids, the kids who hope for a better future and he ignites in us moments where we face a crossroads of decision...are we going to move forward or live in lie that our ability to enact violence or maintain control is even real. God is showing me how shallow my heart has been towards certain people and it knocked me down...but with God at my side I remember "it aint about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, its about how much you can take and keep moving forward!"

Dreaming

2008-09-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

It is my goal to blog more often. It seems that the best way i process information and what is happening in my life is to talk it through. Tonight i am listening to sigur ros and writing because i find the music very inspiring and it motivates me to reflect. I thought i would blog some of my reflections with my friends because i believe sharing it with you is in a way inviting you into my walk.

This year has been challenging for me and one area in which i know that God has been working has been in my ability to follow through with what i have started. In many ways i have fallen on my face in this area, and in other ways i have been very successful. It has been a blessing to me that God has given me a great ability to dream big and hang out with friends who are like. While this whole concept of dreaming is familiar to me (since i live here quite often in my mind) it is not to many who surround me such as my students who cant seem to recognize the forest through the trees, or for some of my teacher friends whom i love but have lost the passion to be creative. What is interesting to see is how we each play our role and temper each other. My feet are learning to touch the ground. By that i mean that i am learning to follow through on some of my dreams and make them a reality. Other dreams have yet to come to fruition but the singular fact that some of them are being realized gives me hope that God is working through me and the desires he has given me. And while i continue to dream and desire, even in my failure, when things dont come to fruition, God is still using me in my weakness to encourage others to take risks and dream.

One of the Dreams that i have had which is being birthed in me is to be a great father and husband. I have even taken some drastic measures which may be misunderstood to some to make that dream a reality. I believe God is changing things in me to make this happen. I never would have guessed that by opening this door to change that it would be so difficult or challenging. Almost immediately after taking this first step i have been challenged and am now in the process of facing one of the barriers that must be overcome in order to move forward. How amazing that in my frustration and depression I also have great joy because i know that in this challenge God is working in me and shaping me to look the way he desires me to look. It is different for each of us the way God moves and desires us individually to look while at the same time it is very similar. God desires this specific change in me to nudge me gently closer to his image and in doing so is granting me the desire of my heart. What it took was for me to initially began to recognize what i needed to lay down that i thought i needed to control or be a part of to allow him to move. He desires this in each of use...how amazing that God knows each of us so intimately that he knows just what chord to strike to nudge us in his direction in his perfect patience and timing. I am truly blessed.

David is perhaps my favorite person in the Bible because i like the way he interacted with God. David was in no means perfect obviously (hello Bathsheba) but he was called a man after God's own heart. I imagine David as a young man watching his fathers sheep laying on his back at night looking at the stars and wondering what God had for him and this life. Was sheep herding all there was for him? Or was there something more? God in his perfect timing began to speak to David and through David, with his special nudge God began to expose to David the true character within him. A lion, a Bear... moments where David faced a crossroads of decision that birthed in him great terror and total determination to be faithful to his position and job. God was showing David he was a leader. As David grew he continued to look at the stars and wonder. Time passed, as did many events but David still walked with God...Grounded by the many starlight discussions and questions only he and God knew about. He struggled, fought, made mistakes, had anger towards God, he even questioned God and asked him where he was in his time of need, and he continually fell on his face while making mistakes and having great triumphs. I love David because David was a man unafraid to ask questions, to struggle, to make mistakes and dream with God about the possibilities under the stars. I desire that kind of reality, at times i have had it, I want more.

2008-08-13T10:46:00.001-07:00

Noah Michael Hayes

2008-05-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

You never realize when momentus life changes are about to take place. I have to admit when Toby was born and when Noah was born I did not have an intense emotional response. I did not cry, or even feel that feeling of excitedness which in some ways made me wonder if something was emotionally disfunctional with me (lol). What I love about my Boys is this...Love Comes Softly. That is a title of a corny movie that my wife made me watch but it is nontheless appropriate for my boys. The initial reaction was not of intense emotion or even connection. Don't get me wrong, I was happy and all that, but it was not the emotional reaction that I expected or had heard about.
What I love about this is that it is true to who I am. Nothing really happens quickly with me, and when it comes to matters of the heart I am usually slow to come around and not sure when I did come around. The point is that now that Noah is at home and Toby is running around the house, the emototional response that I initially expected happens almost every day. I love my family and everyday come home and experience the newness of my family in a way that reminds me of the first time experiencing something amazing.

Life is Beautiful

2008-04-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

As a class we have been studying World History and specifically the Holocaust. Obviously this is an important event, 6 million Jews were killed by Hitler and his Nazi regime, but I really wanted my students to have more than a numerical understanding of what took place.
First of all to teach a sensitive subject such as the Holocaust it is important to remember to include all the factual information, but it is also important for the students to make a personal connection to the event to truly take steps towards removing the kind of racism and discrimination that led to the death of so many. I could go on and on about how to try and attempt this but the key is that there must be some level of self reflection in which you the student or person can place yourself in the shoes of someone living through the Holocaust to really fully (to the best of your ability) understand the scope of this terrible event.
This culminated in my showing of the movie Life is Beautiful. If you have not yet rented this movie, go now and get it......I mean it, right now, STOP READING THIS AND GET OFF YOUR REAR AND RENT IT...
Well if you are still here you must have gone and rented the movie and are preparing to watch it (It is Better subtitled - but that is just my preference). The Point of this whole bloggin story is that I watched this movie a few years ago and it impacted me, but today as I watched it with my students I realized that there are many things that are different than they were the first time I watched it. Today I am married, a father, a husband, and this has changed my life. I hadn't thought about this for a while but my life is so different... and when I watched this movie I realized how much.
This man lives to protect the innocence of his child, to love his wife with all his heart despite the physical boundaries of a concentration camp, and in the middle of all this mess protects the beauty of Life for his son who is not aware of what is going on around him.
May I become a Man like this Man.

School

2008-04-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

School!!! This is what I do. I am a teacher, and I am taught. I am an educator and I get educated. Nothing is as it seems, and when it is, beware because that just means your in for a surprise! Not to be understood as negative, I absolutely love what I am doing right now. It is everything that I never knew I always wanted and more. And not just at school, life has this sneaky way of teaching lessons you I didn't see coming. I think that is because life is like Chuck Norris.... You see Chuck doesn't sleep...He waits!! And similarly Life does not sleep or rest, it patiently waits and just when your not thinking anything is happening with life...Whack! It sneaks up and roundhouse kicks you in the butt just to prove that patience wins out in the end. Sneaky Life! It just gets me everytime.

Erase The Dark

2008-04-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Erase the Dark was great! It was really cool to walk in and see all the hard work of so many people come together in one room. The paintings and photography were so creative. Total props to Jeremy Coverdale and his photo's (I overheard people raving about the train pic). It was really cool to see so many people mingling and getting to know each other. Sean Gafner's food army were incredible, although I missed the "tortuga", was that rolling around on a plate somewhere? Maybe it was just that I got caught up in the moment during the Man in the Water movie.